I Thought I’d Be Further Along by Now

I Thought I’d Be Further Along by Now

Every once in a while, a sentence shows up in my head that can make me feel behind in approximately three seconds.

I thought I’d be further along by now.

Further along with work.

Money.

Goals.

Plans.

The things I’m building.

My house.

My routines.

My future.

Myself.

Sometimes I can’t even tell you where “further along” is.

I just know I’m apparently not there.

Very specific measurement system.

But Who Created This Timeline?

That’s the question I’ve started asking.

Because apparently I’m being graded.

I’d like to see the rubric.

Who decided where I was supposed to be by now?

And if the answer is:

Me, 10 or 15 years ago…

we may have found the problem.

That woman had absolutely no idea what was coming.

She made plans based on the information she had then.

She didn’t know every detour.

Every loss.

Every restart.

Every health issue.

Every financial problem.

Every opportunity.

Every disappointment.

Every thing I’d try and realize wasn’t for me.

Every version of myself I hadn’t met yet.

She was basically creating a life itinerary without knowing the destination, weather, road conditions or whether half the roads would even exist.

And current me is mad that we aren’t on schedule.

Seems fair.

Some Things Really Did Set Me Back

I don’t want to turn this into:

“Everything happens for a reason!”

I don’t know that.

And sometimes I don’t want to hear it.

Some things that happened in my life were difficult.

Some cost me time.

Some cost money.

Some changed opportunities.

Some knocked my confidence around.

Some forced me to stop when I desperately wanted to keep moving.

I don’t have to rename those things “blessings” to make peace with where I am now.

I can say:

I wish that hadn’t happened.

And also:

It did. So what do I want to do from here?

Both can exist.

Disappointed Doesn’t Mean Failed

This distinction has been helping me.

I can be disappointed that something hasn’t happened yet without deciding that I’m a disappointment.

Those are completely different statements.

I can wish I had more financial stability.

I can wish something I’d worked on had grown faster.

I can wish I’d figured something out sooner.

I can wish I’d made a different decision.

That’s normal.

What I don’t have to do is take every unmet expectation and turn it into evidence that there’s something wrong with me.

Sometimes something just took longer.

Sometimes life got in the way.

Sometimes I wasn’t ready.

Sometimes I made a mistake.

Sometimes I changed my mind.

That’s a life.

Not a performance review.

Some of My Old Goals Don’t Even Fit Me Anymore

This one makes me laugh a little.

There are things younger Michelle thought were absolutely essential to Future Michelle’s happiness.

Current Michelle would like to decline.

Which means I have occasionally been feeling behind on a destination…

I no longer want to reach.

What are we doing?

We’re allowed to change.

We’re allowed to decide a career isn’t right.

A dream doesn’t fit anymore.

A relationship isn’t what we want.

A definition of success belonged to somebody else.

A goal made sense for the person we were, not the person we became.

Changing the destination doesn’t mean we failed to arrive.

Sometimes we just stopped wanting to go there.

I’ve Also Done Things I Never Planned

When I’m focused on what hasn’t happened, it’s incredibly easy to ignore everything that has.

There are things in my life today that younger me never planned.

Things I’ve created.

Things I’ve survived.

People I’ve met.

Ways I’ve changed.

Things I’ve learned about myself.

Directions I’ve taken because something else didn’t work.

None of those were on the original timeline either.

Funny how I count the unexpected setbacks but forget to count the unexpected growth.

Apparently only negative surprises qualify for the audit.

I’m working on that.

Other People’s Timelines Make This Worse

Then, of course, there’s comparison.

Someone buys the house.

Gets the promotion.

Builds the business.

Finishes the degree.

Travels.

Gets married.

Hits the milestone.

And suddenly my brain opens my file.

Interesting. And what exactly have WE been doing?

Living.

We’ve been living.

Their milestone isn’t evidence that I missed mine.

And I also don’t know their entire story.

I’m comparing what I can see of their life to everything I know about mine.

That’s an impossible comparison to win.

Maybe I Need a Better Question

Instead of:

Shouldn’t I be further along by now?

I’m trying:

Am I moving toward a life that actually feels like mine?

That’s a very different question.

It doesn’t require me to be finished.

It doesn’t require a particular age.

It doesn’t require my life to look like somebody else’s.

It doesn’t even require a straight line.

It just asks whether the direction still feels right.

And if it doesn’t?

Maybe that’s useful information too.

I’m Not Finished

That’s the hopeful part for me.

Where I am right now isn’t the final answer.

I can still change direction.

Learn something.

Build something.

Try again.

Let something go.

Start something new.

Take longer.

Rest.

Move faster later.

I don’t know exactly where I’ll be five years from now.

Based on my previous forecasting accuracy, perhaps I should stop pretending I do.

But I know this:

Different doesn’t automatically mean behind.

My life didn’t follow the original itinerary.

Fine.

Apparently we’re taking the scenic route.

I would still like to speak to whoever planned some of these detours.

But I’m here.

I’m still moving.

And I’m not done yet.

— Michelle

Radiant Rise

Healing. Growing. Rising Together.

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