Every Saturday night, I become a different person.
She's extremely optimistic.
Organized.
Motivated.
And apparently under the impression that Sunday contains approximately 37 hours.
She makes plans.
Tomorrow we'll clean.
Do laundry.
Work on a few things.
Organize something.
Take care of that thing we've been avoiding.
Prepare for the week.
Maybe get ahead.
Oh, and obviously we'll relax too.
Of course.
Plenty of time.
Then Sunday Michelle wakes up, looks at this woman's schedule and thinks:
I don't know her.
I don't know why she keeps making schedules for me.
Apparently Free Time Makes Me Nervous
I've realized I have a weird relationship with open time.
If I see a few hours on my calendar with nothing scheduled, my first instinct isn't always:
Nice. I have some time.
It's:
What can I put there?
There's laundry.
Something needs cleaning.
I could work on the website.
I could write.
I could organize something.
I could finally take care of that thing I've been ignoring.
Suddenly the empty space isn't empty anymore.
I've assigned it a job.
Actually, I've assigned it seven jobs.
And then I wonder why I'm tired.
I Keep Trying to Earn My Rest.
This is the [art that's a little less funny.
Sometimes I act like rest is something I'm allowed to have after everything else is finished.
I'll sit down when the laundry is done.
I'll relax after I clean.
I'll watch something after I finish this.
I'll take a break when I'm caught up.
Except....
caught up with what?
Life?
When exactly is that expected to happen?
There will always be another load of laundry.
Another email.
Another room that could use attention.
Another thing I could technically be doing.
If "everything is finished" is the requirement for rest, I've created a finish line that keeps moving.
My Day Off Shouldn't Need a Performance Review
There's another thing I've noticed.
Sometimes I'll actually rest...
and spend half the time thinking about everything I'm not doing.
Which is an impressively ineffective way to rest.
Physically, I'm sitting on the couch.
Mentally?
I'm conducting a full performance review.
You could put the laundry away.
You should work on that project.
You haven't done this yet.
You have time right now.
Apparently the couch has become corporate headquarters.
And that's something I'm trying to change.
I Still WANT to Gets Things Done
This isn't me announcing that I've abandoned productivity and will now spend every Sunday dramatically reclining on the couch.
Although I support Dramatic Couch Sunday as a concept.
I actually like getting things done.
I like the feeling of making progress.
I like starting Monday with a few things already handled.
The problem isn't productivity.
It's the idea that every available hour needs to become productive.
There's a difference.
Maybe "Enough" Needs to Be Part of the Plan
I'm trying to stop creating Sunday lists that only work if everything goes perfectly.
Nothing takes longer than expected.
I never get tired.
I don't get distracted.
Nobody needs me.
My body cooperates.
My brain cooperates.
And apparently I don't need to eat.
That's not a plan.
That's fan fiction.
So I'm experimenting with something much less impressive:
What would be enough today?
Not:
What could I theoretically cram into today?
What actually matters?
What would make tomorrow a little easier?
What can wait?
And where does rest fit before I'm completely exhausted?
Leaving Something for Later Is Allowed
This one is difficult for me.
Sometimes leaving something unfinished feels like I failed to manage my time correctly.
But I'm starting to realize that deliverately deciding:
"I'm not doing that today."
isn't necessarily procrastination.
Sometimes it's prioritizing.
Sometimes it's respecting my energy.
Sometimes it's recognizing that there are only so many hours in a day.
And sometimes....
I just don't want to do it.
Apparently that's information too.
Sunday Doesn't Have to Fix the Entire Week
I think this is what I'm really trying to learn.
Sunday doesn't have to repair everything that happened Monday through Saturday.
I don't need to clean up every lookse end.
I don't need to perfectly prepare for the week ahead.
I don't need to transform myself into a more organized person before Monday morning.
I can do a few things that help.
I can make some progress.
I can prepare a little.
And then I can stop.
Not because everything is finished.
Because I'm finished for today.
There's a difference.
Tomorrow's Plan
So tomorrow, yes, I have things to do.
I'm going to work on some of them.
I'm also going to sit down.
I'm going to take breaks.
I'm going to try not to turn every open pocket of time into another assignment.
And if something remains on the list Sunday night?
Monday will still arrive.
The task will still exist.
And the laundry?
Please.
The laundry isn't going anywhere.
That woman has demonstrated incredible commitment to this family.
Saturday Night Michelle may be disappointed in our performance.
She'll survive.
I'm starting to think Sunday Michelle deserves a vote too.
-Michelle
Radiant Rise
Healing. Growing. Rising Together.
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